The banana and the lava pit

I'm on the phone talking to my mother-in-law which Teddy well knows. Teddy reaches for a banana and says to me "Can I have one?" I point annoyingly to the phone and completely ignore him - after all he's 10 1/2 and really should know by now to wait patiently when someone is on the phone.

By the time I get off the phone Ted has peeled the banana. He looks up at me before he takes his first bite.

Ted: Really, can I have it?

Me: I would never deny you a banana

T: What if we are dangling over a lava pit about to plummet to our death? How about then?

Me: If you have one and that is how you want to remember this world, then by all means please eat the banana.

Camela

Bandit the stupid wonder dog

Our stuipd Jack Russell, Bandit is a great dog in lots of ways. In many ways he's smarter than any dog I've ever seen (and a lot of people I know too). But he is without a doubt the most annoying creature on the face of the earth and if he wasn't so darn cute I'm not sure he'd still be around.

He barks when anyone is about to leave the house - I guess he doesn't want to be left out. And when I say barks - I mean BARKS. He will barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark with barely a pause for breath nonstop for an indefinite time. I am not remotely exaggerating. Twenty minutes, half an hour, I'm sure he'd go for an hour but if we let it go on that long he'd never survive it. If you utter the words "go" or "leave" Bandit goes nuts and he continues to go nuts until he can no longer see your car in the neighborhood. We now use the code word "LULU" instead of go. I come down the stairs in the morning and very casually so as not to alert the dog mention to the boys that we will be luluing in about 5 minutes. Luckily so far, Bandit has not picked up on this.

Unfortunately he has picked up on lots of other things... he's totally on to us. If I yell down to Jackson in the morning "are your shoes on?" Bandit will hear this and think - HEY! putting on shoes is one of the things they do before they leave... OMG they're about to leave, I better start barking so they know I'm onto them. barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark. And again he doesn't stop until we are out of his sight down the road. Oh and did I mention the entire time he's barking he's standing about a foot away from you barking AT you - that makes it just that much more fun. Other things he will start barking over... if a back pack gets moved, or if the TV gets turned off, or if I pick up my purse, or if I fill my water bottle, if there is a teeth brushing reminder issued, God forbid he hears the words go or leave... really the list is endless - think of all the little things you do before leaving the house - well Bandit knows them all and as soon as he notices any one of them the barking commences and continues until he can no longer see us.

It's all visual for him. So if we really are about to leave, I can just grin and bear a few minutes (though really think about a few minutes of solid barking as you are trying to get yourself and maybe a few kids as well out the door in a timely fashion) of barking and out we go. But if he picked up on one of those cues (and we all try to do them stealthily) and we're still going to be around for half an hour - well again, he'd not survive his nonstop barking for 30 solid minutes, I'm absolutely sure of it. So if you hear Jackson, with hands on hips, saying "Mo-om, you said the G word again" with Bandit dancing around my feet barking his head off and we still have a while before it's time to go I can just put him in the air lock (that little room between the garage and the kitchen) where he can't see us and instantly he's silent. I don't really like putting him in the airlock, but I really think it's helped his longevity.

The problem with it being so completely visual for him is that if he can't see us he won't bark even if he should. Case in point. I come home the other day after work and Brad's already taken one of the kids to a practice of some sort and I have the other one with me. Neither one of us notices that Bandit didn't immediately greet us - sometimes he's outside throwing the ball to himself and too busy for us. We putter around and eat dinner and do various other end of day type things. Probably an hour later I head upstairs to change my clothes and open my bedroom door where I find Bandit thrilled to be let out of his prison. All the windows had been opened and at some point the door had been blown shut. Did this happen some time after Brad left and before I got home? Did it happen three hours before Brad left? There's no way to tell. Brad can't remember if Bandit was barking when he left or not. But for at least an hour Jack and I were home and Bandit was trapped in my room and he did not make a sound. He did however try to claw his way out of the room through the door and both the door and the frame have solid gouges in them.

How can a dog be smart enough to know that brushing your teeth is a sign we are about to leave and yet stupid enough to not make a sound while trapped in a room?

Camela