Not the best day

Brad's mom was due to arrive on Tuesday afternoon at 4:55 and he was going to drop Teddy at a neighbor's so they could take him to swim team practice and then go and get his mom while I got Jackson from school a bit later... great, no big deal. But then Monday night, what we thought had been an annoying cold - generally not feeling well and the mother of all coughs - took a turn and Brad was down for the count. As Brad was the first man on the face of the earth to ever have actually suffered with a bad cough you can imagine he'd already been a particular joy to live with, but now, well now he was just out of the picture and asleep, completely incapable of getting out of bed for the next two days. His fever spiked, the chills set in, he had himself a nice case of the flu.

Okay so plans changed I can certainly handle this, right? I have to leave work early to get his mom. The timing of the flight make me doubt my ability to get the kids from school after 4ish when school lets out and before 6 when aftercare ends. So I call my friend Lida and asked her to pick up my kids from school and take them to swim practice where her son is also scheduled to be so I can get my MIL from the airport. Of course Lida will help me, but she tells me she has to run an errand that can't wait so I tell her to leave Jackson at the pool while Teddy and Brian are swimming. I think, no problem, I have to stop at home anyway to put Ted's swim stuff in a bag so I can easily add a gameboy that will keep Jack moderately occupied for the hour or so of practice.

As I continue to think about it, I just don't like the idea of Jackson being unattended at the pool so I decide to change plans and get the kids from school myself, I'm thinking if I'm there right when the let out, I'll have enough time. I call the school to find out exactly when school let's out (yeah, yeah, yeah so what if Teddy has been going to this school for six years, I didn't know the answer to that question) and hey guess what it's 3:15ish and not 4ish (so I'm stupid but have more time in my plan). I'll drop Ted at home and get Lida to pick him up from there and I'll take Jack with me to get grandma... perfect. Call Lida. Change plans. No problem. I leave work with just enough time (leaving early had not been in my plans in the morning), run home, pack a bag for Teddy, put it on the kitchen table, run to school, grab Jack.... where's Ted? Jack has no idea. Anyone? the clock's ticking people. Someone remembers he's in rocketry club. Oh sure, I knew that. It's almost 4:15 and I think somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind it lets out at 4:15 so we head down to where it's held to get him... yeah not so much, they're right in the middle of some experiment. Okay, new plan.

Jack - let's go! Call Lida... and she's not home.. shoot shoot shoot. Wait, I have her cell. Call Lida, please get Teddy at school, I'll stop at the house and drop his bag at your house and we can maybe almost make it to the airport in time. Run home. Get bag. Drop bag. Fly. The whole time we're heading there the sky looks pretty ominous in my rear view mirror. I tell Jackson I hope her flight is delayed by a few minutes because I don't want her to worry if we're not there when she lands. We get there at 5:02. She walks very slowly so I'm thinking we still have a shot. We find a board to check where she'll be arriving and thankfully she's delayed by 25 minutes; not due to land until 5:20, phew! Jack and I hang out. 5:20 comes and goes, as does 5:40, and 6pm. The sky is now full of the wrath of God, someone has seriously pissed off the big guy. I'm thinking maybe they diverted the plane because of the storms, but all the information I and all my new friends waiting for the same flight can get say it's still due to land 40 minutes ago... until finally we're updated, it's due to land at 7:20.

This was taken looking out the airport window with my iphone. While I

was telling Jackson how amazing it looked, I was thinking about where
I was going to take him if a funnel dropped out of those swirling clouds

Drive home. Get pizza along the way. Call babysitter to keep kids from waking Brad (I'll be home in time to put them to bed and for babysitter to get back home to finish their homework). Get home. Check flight status. Now it's 7:40. Kids and sitter are eating. Check again.... 8:00. She calls they're in Long Island. They flew from Albany to Long Island - long flight. Check again... 8:40. Find out they are actually taking off from Long Island. Wake Brad.. honey, you have to put the kids to bed (that's really just Jackson), I'll be back too late. He grunts and nods that he can handle it. Jack's distraught that he won't get his normal bedtime routine... far more whiney than normal for him, great! just what we need. suck it up boy!

Take unneeded sitter home. Drive to airport. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Reconnect with my old friends from a few hours ago. Wait. Finally they landed and finally she walks down the ramp. Get her some food and get home just before 10pm.

I get up early only to have Jackson running, crying to me.... "mommy, mommy, I'm going to be sick!" and sure enough, I now understand why he was so whiney the night before.

Camela

Howard County's Bollards attacked Teddy (and they lie in wait for the rest of the neighborhood kids)

We tried to warn them, but did they listen? Nooooooo. It was only a matter of time, we told them. Someone's child is going is going to get hurt; cuts and bruises- certainly, a broken arm or leg - only a matter of time, a head injury - a definite possibility... Howard County's Department of Rec and Parks left messages unanswered and what unofficial information we could get said that the new bollards that were installed just had to be there...

Okay, first of all I need to stop and be amused at the word bollard.... I mean, seriously, bollard? Can't you just say big wooden post? The dictionary.com definition is:

bol·lard (bŏl'ərd) n.
(1) Nautical A thick post on a ship or wharf, used for securing ropes and hawsers.
(2) One of a series of posts preventing vehicles from entering an area.

So the posts that Howard County installed to mark the narrow strip of land they own between my house and my neighbor's house are bollards? Hmmm I guess that would explain the no fishing signs that were on the temporary metal ones before these big 4x4 posts were cemented into the ground. It's odd but until now the word nautical hadn't popped to mind when looking at this grassy area, but I guess I should be grateful that these bollards will prevent traffic from deciding to detour into the woods behind our homes.

So of course, the first child hurt is Teddy. Teddy is not one of the kids in the neighborhood that will lay out for a pass during one of the many football games that take place between our two houses, but he will risk life and limb to intercept a pass from Jackson and so it was on this warm Saturday afternoon - the babysitter threw a pass to Jackson and Teddy raced across the front yard and intercepted the ball. He turned to score and ran smack dab into one of the bollards the County decided to mark their property with. His chest hit first and he got a nasty scratch/gash thingy that turned some pretty shades of purple before it was all healed. Brad's first comment to Teddy when we saw his chest the next morning was... "well, did you drop the pass?" The answer was yes and Brad was very disappointed.

Since they were installed our home owners' association has been trying to talk to the County about the bollards, we all knew someone - really lots of someones were going to get hurt but all of the messages went unanswered until finally a County employee out here on another matter talked to Mark from our HOA and told him that there was a safer alternative; a metal spike sort of thing that can be embedded underground instead of these big huge immobile bollards and we could have these installed for the bargain price of $250 each. I'm not sure if that included the removal of the bollards, or if that part was up to us. I must say, my first reaction to the cost was shock - that certainly sounds like the County asking us to pay them to prevent future lawsuits against them... I guess it's nice work if you can get it.

So while the HOA continues along their path I sent an email to our County Executive, Ken Ulman, along with a bunch of pictures - of Teddy's chest, of the field in which the bollards now sit, of the safer spike option the County told us exists - and in less than two weeks we've had some good progress. Candace Dodson-Reed one of the County's Community Liaisons called to let me know the County was going to replace the two "front" bollards; the ones closest to the street with the underground stakes at no cost to us. I told her I was thrilled they're going to do that, but it's actually one of the "rear" bollards that in my opinion poses the most risk. It's truly in the middle of a wide open space; just exactly where the deep passes are thrown. She said she was going to consult with Park and Recs again and get back to me. I am so far pleased with the County Executive's responsiveness and hope the rest of the bollards are removed as well before another child is injured, possibly much more seriously than Teddy was.

The top two were taken the day after he ran into the post. They lack all the fun colors his chest turned over the days that followed. The bottom two are pictures of the posts themselves. The first bollard picture is the one near the street that he ran into and though I didn't show it well, it's really just out there all by itself. The 2nd bollard picture is of the two in the "rear", further away from the street and as you can see the bollard on the left is totally in no man's land, just waiting for a kid to run full force into it while tracking the ball instead of the ground.

This is a picture of the stake the guy from the county showed us that is a safer alternative.

The banana and the lava pit

I'm on the phone talking to my mother-in-law which Teddy well knows. Teddy reaches for a banana and says to me "Can I have one?" I point annoyingly to the phone and completely ignore him - after all he's 10 1/2 and really should know by now to wait patiently when someone is on the phone.

By the time I get off the phone Ted has peeled the banana. He looks up at me before he takes his first bite.

Ted: Really, can I have it?

Me: I would never deny you a banana

T: What if we are dangling over a lava pit about to plummet to our death? How about then?

Me: If you have one and that is how you want to remember this world, then by all means please eat the banana.

Camela

Bandit the stupid wonder dog

Our stuipd Jack Russell, Bandit is a great dog in lots of ways. In many ways he's smarter than any dog I've ever seen (and a lot of people I know too). But he is without a doubt the most annoying creature on the face of the earth and if he wasn't so darn cute I'm not sure he'd still be around.

He barks when anyone is about to leave the house - I guess he doesn't want to be left out. And when I say barks - I mean BARKS. He will barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark with barely a pause for breath nonstop for an indefinite time. I am not remotely exaggerating. Twenty minutes, half an hour, I'm sure he'd go for an hour but if we let it go on that long he'd never survive it. If you utter the words "go" or "leave" Bandit goes nuts and he continues to go nuts until he can no longer see your car in the neighborhood. We now use the code word "LULU" instead of go. I come down the stairs in the morning and very casually so as not to alert the dog mention to the boys that we will be luluing in about 5 minutes. Luckily so far, Bandit has not picked up on this.

Unfortunately he has picked up on lots of other things... he's totally on to us. If I yell down to Jackson in the morning "are your shoes on?" Bandit will hear this and think - HEY! putting on shoes is one of the things they do before they leave... OMG they're about to leave, I better start barking so they know I'm onto them. barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark. And again he doesn't stop until we are out of his sight down the road. Oh and did I mention the entire time he's barking he's standing about a foot away from you barking AT you - that makes it just that much more fun. Other things he will start barking over... if a back pack gets moved, or if the TV gets turned off, or if I pick up my purse, or if I fill my water bottle, if there is a teeth brushing reminder issued, God forbid he hears the words go or leave... really the list is endless - think of all the little things you do before leaving the house - well Bandit knows them all and as soon as he notices any one of them the barking commences and continues until he can no longer see us.

It's all visual for him. So if we really are about to leave, I can just grin and bear a few minutes (though really think about a few minutes of solid barking as you are trying to get yourself and maybe a few kids as well out the door in a timely fashion) of barking and out we go. But if he picked up on one of those cues (and we all try to do them stealthily) and we're still going to be around for half an hour - well again, he'd not survive his nonstop barking for 30 solid minutes, I'm absolutely sure of it. So if you hear Jackson, with hands on hips, saying "Mo-om, you said the G word again" with Bandit dancing around my feet barking his head off and we still have a while before it's time to go I can just put him in the air lock (that little room between the garage and the kitchen) where he can't see us and instantly he's silent. I don't really like putting him in the airlock, but I really think it's helped his longevity.

The problem with it being so completely visual for him is that if he can't see us he won't bark even if he should. Case in point. I come home the other day after work and Brad's already taken one of the kids to a practice of some sort and I have the other one with me. Neither one of us notices that Bandit didn't immediately greet us - sometimes he's outside throwing the ball to himself and too busy for us. We putter around and eat dinner and do various other end of day type things. Probably an hour later I head upstairs to change my clothes and open my bedroom door where I find Bandit thrilled to be let out of his prison. All the windows had been opened and at some point the door had been blown shut. Did this happen some time after Brad left and before I got home? Did it happen three hours before Brad left? There's no way to tell. Brad can't remember if Bandit was barking when he left or not. But for at least an hour Jack and I were home and Bandit was trapped in my room and he did not make a sound. He did however try to claw his way out of the room through the door and both the door and the frame have solid gouges in them.

How can a dog be smart enough to know that brushing your teeth is a sign we are about to leave and yet stupid enough to not make a sound while trapped in a room?

Camela

My kids have been possessed and/or I’m the worlds worst mother… the jury’s still out.

It’s been too long since there have been some good “while Brad’s away” stories….

The kids were off from school on Thursday and my mom came up to stay with them while I went to work. For the most part they had a lovely time – playing with friends and fishing – and then there was Jackson’s disappearing act. Grandma sent him to his room for something and while no one was looking he snuck out of the house and went down to the pond to play. OMG, can you imagine how my poor mother felt at not being able to find Jackson. Calls were made, looking commenced, but eventually he just came skipping in as if nothing was wrong. Who is that kid, not mine, right? He told my mom he’d done it before – WHAT??? We’ve never missed him and he doesn’t spend lots of time in his room… I’ve got no idea if that’s true or not… where did I go wrong.

It’s dinner time. Grandma’s gone, Teddy is studying, Jackson is starved, pizza comes out of the oven, gets cut up and served to them both. I go upstairs to change out of my work clothes. I take a few extra minutes alone up there to decompress until I hear a very spirited game going on downstairs – it sounds like keep away or something. I just know someone is going to get hurt, they sound a little too excited. I hurry to try to get my tennis shoes on so I’ll be ready to get on the treadmill later but then I hear the crash bang boom downstairs. Good God, what was that. There is no crying afterwards so at least that’s a good sign. Teddy meets me at the top of the stairs (I’ve got the socks in my hand but that’s as far as I got).

“Mom, Jack threw jelly beans at me and the sailboat came crashing down.” Hmmm sailboat? Where is there a sailboat? There’s a sailboat on top of the extra tall kitchen cabinets – I’d say – oh 8 ½ feet highish, but that can’t possibly be what he’s talking about… right? I think that would defy the laws of physics for that to be what he’s talking about… right? Nope, sure enough laying on the kitchen floor is a sailboat and a metal grate/sculpture thingy both of which had been waaaaay up there - not to mention there’s crown molding up there which I would think would keep stuff up there if something did manage to get just the right bounce against the wall so that something would be propelled forward – seriously if I tried to throw stuff up there with the specific intent of getting it to fall down I could have sat there with a bucketful of ball for days and never been remotely successful. Jackson immediately apologizes when I get to the kitchen – well that’s something. Teddy keeps telling me how it’s not his fault cuz Jackson is the one that threw the jelly beans (did I tell you, it was jelly beans???) I, of course disagree. I think they are both involved up to their eyeballs. (quite a bit later Teddy finally lets it slip that he was up on the counter trying to get the ball down that he’d thrown up there and Jackson was trying to hit him in the head with the jelly beans but missed and got the boat instead. WTH???

Let’s take a minute to think about this. I’m 5’2” if I stand on top of the counter, my eyes reach to about the 2^nd from the top shelf if the cabinets were opened, I have no problem getting stuff off the top shelf, but reaching stuff on the top of the cabinets is somewhat difficult, in part because of the crown molding. If I stand on my tippy toes I can reach and put a bottle of wine up there, but I can in no way shape or form see over the top. Teddy’s head comes roughly to my shoulder. He has no shot of possibly reaching to the tops of the cabinets. None. And yet, he was somehow trying to reach a ball that he threw up on top of the cabinets that would have been completely hidden because of the crown molding AND Jackson was aiming at his head when he missed and hit the sailboat (way up there on top of the cabinets). Man I hope Jack’s aim was way the hell off and Ted was just standing on the counter haplessly reaching up with no hope of getting there. That’s really the only picture that will allow me to sleep at night.

I sent them both to their rooms for their own safety while I got myself together. I went to Jackson first.

Me: You know you’re not allowed to throw things in the house, what were you thinking?

J: I was hungry. (classic divert mom's attention strategy)

M: So why didn't you get yourself more pizza, it was sitting right there?

J: I'm not allowed, I didn't want to break the rules. (got to admire his shameless BS)

M: Uh babe, you didn't have any problem breaking the rule of not throwing stuff in the house.

J: I forgot that rule. I forgot all the rules except to stay away from the stove (on top of which the pizza was sitting).

Okay, I'm beginning to fear for his safety again. I tell him he should sit there and think about all the rules and I leave before someone gets hurt. A little while later a piece of paper comes sliding from under his door. I retrieve it and find a simple question.

Am I grounded yes or no

please circle one

(ps I hope I am grounded)

Okay well that's kind of cute and I'm going to have to keep it, perhaps I'll have it laminated and attach it to his door so I can circle the appropriate answer from now on. But I digress..... back to the stories

Now we arrive to this morning I am determined to have a pleasant morning....We were all heading down the stairs when I realize I had put on two different earrings. I told them to go get their backpacks and head out to the car while I went up and fixed the earring problem. I come back downstairs less than a minute later to find them fighting in the corner of the kitchen while these little metal things we have in that corner go crashing to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?" (Yeah I know, not my best mom moment). Their heads pop up and they both start talking at once. I hear Teddy however "Jackson was playing with the knives.” KNIVES? The boy actually said knives. Yes the knife block is housed in that corner, but so is the game boy charger. “KNIVES?... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” (yeah yeah yeah) "Teddy threatened me" "Jackson threatened me first." I think my head actually spun around on my neck three full times as my brain desperately tried to understand what they were saying, because certainly they weren’t actually playing with KNIVES…. Right? "First you, Teddy. I only left you alone for a minute, what did I tell you to do? Just answer the question?" "Put on my backpack and go outside." "What did you do?" "Threaten Jackson with a knife because he threatened me first." … OMG, this is not my life. "Jackson now you… what did I tell you to do?" "Get my backpack and go outside." "What did you do?" "Threaten Teddy." "With a knife?" "No. (phew) With what then?" "A pizza cutter." OMG this is not my life. Who are these kids? Where and when did it go so wrong?????

We had a little discussion (read: mom totally lost her mind) about blood and death and what are toys and what aren’t (lest you have forgotten, they are 10 ½ and 8 and we’ve had this conversation a million times and they’ve never ever gone near a knife – they so completely and utterly know better). I tried to quiz them as to how this suddenly made sense in their pea-brain little minds (no I didn’t actually say that – but I was in rare form) and Teddy said, no he frustratedly yelled “This is just us mom.” The violins kicked in then. "Playing with knives is you? This is something you do often?" "Yes". my annoyingly-defiant-practicing-to-be-a-teenager child responded. He just got a set of dubiously raised eyebrows at that. I cited several outrageous and wildly out of character things they’ve done in the last four days (WAIT! - maybe that’s it? Maybe four days ago they were possessed by some visiting evil demon and I just need to get that damn thing exorcised). Meanwhile the whole time I'm busy losing my mind, the ^u@k#$% dog is barking non stop which... let me just say is not helping my mood. I finally totally lose it at the dog and say "Yeah Bandit, you keep that up and I'll show the kids all about blood and death with knives." (Yeah I actually did say that one)

Does anyone know a good exorcist?? Or does anyone have a room I can crash in?

Camela

The case of the stolen bells

Brad calls me at work and very earnestly asks - Camela do you know where Teddy's bells are?

Camela: um... no.. I guess they could be in my trunk, do you need me to go look?

B: yes, I think someone has stolen the bells.

C: (chuckling) Who would possibly steal his bells?

B: All I know is that they were in the garage and I went out there and picked them up and put them next to my golf clubs and now they're gone.

I went out in the pouring rain and looked in my trunk and as I suspected there were no bells. I IM'd him to let him know.

C: Sorry babe, no bells, did you look in Teddy's room?

B: I'm 100% positive that I put those bells next to my golf clubs.

C: mmm hmm. But humor me and check his room.

B: I looked in his room. They're not here. There were a lot of tweeners running around the neighborhood this weekend. (I didn't have the heart to mention that Teddy is a tweener. And still... who would want to steal the bells - there are a lot more interesting things in the garage than a non descript black case containing a xylophone.)

C: Maybe Jack took them outside and hid them under the swing set. (which is a problem since it's raining, but not out of the question given who Jack is)

B: I've already walked around the yard and checked the swing set and under the deck. Cam, I'm telling you, I really think someone stole those bells. I just have a bad feeling about it.

C: Look in the music room and Jack's room. But if someone stole them, then someone stole them and we've learned a valuable lesson on what we can and can not keep in the garage.

Later that day I'm telling my coworker Walter the story of the missing bells and how upset Brad is about this whole thing. Finding things is a skill and it comes easier to some than to others. I'm pretty good at it. Brad and Teddy both suck at it. I tell Walter the first place I'm going to look is in Brad's trunk - because that's the most likely place for it to be. (I've of course not yet mentioned this to Brad, I don't think he'd appreciate it in his current mood)

Brad comes home a few hours after I do and he walks in with... wait for it... the bells in his hand and a bit of a sheepish look on his face.

C: Where were they?

B: Uh. They were in my car, right behind my seat.

I just looked at him.

B: I think a mom from the neighborhood must have found them and returned them.

C: To the inside of the van?

B: They were being very conscientious.

Camela

Jackson to the rescue

Our neighbor just called because he needed to talk to us about Jackson - ut oh, this can't be good. Apparently his wife had inadvertently set off the fire alarm while he was out mowing the grass causing his kids came to the window and yell "FIRE!". He went inside and they had it all taken care of in short order. A few minutes later their doorbell rang and it was Jackson. He wanted to make sure everyone and everything was okay. All was well so Jack went back to his kick ball game and that was that. Our neighbor thought it was wonderful that there was such a mature and caring young man in the neighborhood. I'm not exactly sure who was masquerading as Jackson, but I'm glad the neighbor was happy.

We asked Jack what he would have done if everything hadn't been okay and he looked at us like we were stupid and said "I'd have run home as fast as I could to get you." Duh, I don't know what we were thinking...

How cute is that...